Joyce's Seven Deadly Sins
by Decide
Summary: Somehow with all the misdeeds Joyce Barnhardt always comes up on top without punishment. What if this time her sins come back to bite her when she has to pay for committing the seven deadly sins.


A/N: This story is a response to the Babe and Family Challenge on FB. Using a deadly sin, okay I used all 7 to describe a character from the Plum books. Of course, I don't own Joyce, but boy was it fun to write this story. Many thanks to Rain(Jackie) for editing it or you would be reading a lot of mistakes. Sorry, my muse hijacked me, I am now finishing up UnwantDistraction. My cover art comes from the talented Nancy Farmer at .net.

 **Joyce's Deadly Sins**

A cautionary tale of one Joyce Barnhardt who indulged in the seven deadly sins more times than most people have hair on their heads. People say payback is a bitch. Let's see in this case how it played out.

Trenton, New Jersey was quiet during the wee hours of the morning right before dawn. In the ritzier part of town is a large house owned by one, Joyce Barnhardt. The sun hasn't risen yet, but upstairs in the master or should it be mistress bedroom since it's really feminine. Even in the dark, one can see the stomach-turning color of Pepto-Bismol pink painted on the walls. An over-sized King-sized bed dominated the room of white French provincial furniture. Black satin sheets are on the bed where only one person was sleeping. Hovering over the bed was a shadowy figure undulating in the air. A streak of light illuminated it and it was a skeleton dressed in a hooded black robe with scalloped edges. For a few minutes the apparition studied the sleeping woman, but by this time the rustling of the robe roused Joyce. Once awake the drowsy woman pulled off her night mask and looked around to see what woke her up. All shecould see was a bony finger pointing at her and she heard dissonant voice say-

"Joyce Barnhardt, your day of reckoning has come," said the apparition, "it is time for you to pay for your many sins."

"Pipe down, can't you see I'm getting my beauty sleep!" Joyce croaked in a hoarse voice, making her facial mud mask crack as she speaks.

The figure shuddered at the sight and thought all the beauty sleep in the world wouldn't compensate for the ugliness in her soul.

Her expression turns from confusion to outrage as she shrieks, "And how the hell did you get into my house!"

"Forgive me for my lack of manners, I am the Grim Reaper. There are no walls I can't get through or souls I can't claim."

"If you don't leave now I am going to blow your fucking brains out," Joyce said as she pulled out of her night table's drawer a rather large handgun. "And I don't mean to miss!"

"Give it your best shot," said the Reaper, its red eyes glowing and a maniacal smile on its lips, teeth gleaming and razor sharp.

Joyce paled at that sight, but fired her gun anyway. Her face was transfixed with horror as she followed the path of the bullet instead of hitting the figure the bullet went right through, a hole appeared in its wake, but a few minutes later everything appeared as if a shot was never fired.

"Who- what- are you?" Joyce asked in barely a whisper, her body trembling.

The specter nodded his head in satisfaction, "Finally we can proceed to the business at hand, now that I have your attention. Maybe you know me better as DEATH!"

"D-d-death," Joyce stammered and noticed that a scythe was now clutched in both of the Reaper's hands. "Am I going to die?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no," said the Reaper. I haven't made my decision yet. Let's go through the Seven Deadly Sins checklist, and then I will decide."

The scythe disappeared and a clipboard took its place.

"Is it okay to wash the gook off my face? Because if I am going to die I want to look my best, not like I went face down in a mud pit. I got pride that is why I have the best money could buy: hair, boobs, and clothes."

"Ah, so we can check the first deadly sin- pride. It is obvious that you are overly concerned about your appearance. Ms. Barnhardt you are so vain, but they didn't make a song about you," the Reaper said, then chortled at his own joke.

Joyce looked up at him confused, but took the time to rush off the bathroom to wash her face and comb her hair. The Reaper watched her five foot eight frame as she left. With one glance he could tell that she had had every plastic surgical and beauty treatment known to humans to enhance whatever her mama gave her, and she looked like a red-headed Barbie on steroids. Everything about her was artificial including her dyed titian locks, which color could never be natural. That shade of red could only be achieved by a bottle of hair dye. But at that moment Joyce returned. Only after she spent a long time in the bathroom, not only did she wash her face and comb her hair, but she put on a lot of makeup and a flattering negligee.

"I'm back, where were we? Would you care for some wine? Joyce said in a sexy voice.

"Ms. Barnhardt, you're trying to seduce me! Aren't you?"

The Reaper smiled, but there was no reaction from Joyce, which made him frown and scratch his skull. Didn't she realize that was a catchphrase from" The Graduate". What a Philistine! It was only Dustin Hoffman's break in the movies. Guess that Joyce's taste didn't run to cinema classics.

"Would it spare my life, if I did?" Joyce purred in a seductive tone and gave him a come-hither look. "Because I'm always up for another notch on my belt, I've never had anyone tall, dark, and boney."

"As much as that invitation I think flatters me, no thank you. I am incorporeal."

"Incorporeal, sounds kinky and hopefully male? But that doesn't matter if you are or if you're with someone because I am equal opportunity sexual partner."

"Afraid I have to decline your offer; I am not solid, meaning it is impossible to touch me. Your hand like the bullet would pass through. But it is as obvious as the nose job on your face that you met the criteria for the deadly sin of lust. I heard that through the grapevine that you actually like to be spanked and bark like a dog. I guess it takes all kinds.

Joyce both smirked and winked at that remark.

"Next deadly sin is envy which is a good segue way from lust since you have committed adultery numerous times. It wasn't enough that you made Stephanie Plum's life miserable since elementary school, but you had to play hide the salami with her then husband Dickie Orr on all places, her dining room table. Ewww! This has played out even recently when you hit on Morelli during their off period."

"Please, I don't know how all the hot guys are so into Plum, first Joe and then Ranger. Really anything she's got, I have bigger and better." Joyce boasted.

"Umm that takes us into the two for one deal since many times greed leads into gluttony. You want everything. I can see by this house you're the consummate consumer. You have the latest devices, cars, everything and anything money can buy. Each time you married, your new husband was richer than the one before so when you divorced you got more alimony. Not to mention that when you were younger you had a weight problem and ate everything you could."

"Stephanie was never fat she was a skinnymalink."

"What is a skinnymalink?" asked the Grim Reaper.

"A skinny person of course, where have you been? Well, everybody wanted to be her friend, not mine, but I fixed her good. I lied about her countless times, told everyone she had a third nipple, took pictures of her in the bathroom, then passed them around and managed to make her life miserable," Joyce said in satisfaction.

"Did you ever consider Anger Management classes, you know that it wasn't Ms. Plum's fault that she was thin and you weren't. To be spiteful and vindictive all these years, it is such a waste of time and effort."

"I don't know about that, it makes me happy. I worship at the temple of Joyce. I am a goddess!"

The Grim Reaper just sighed, and then said; "avoidance of spirituality is a deadly sin too. It is called sloth. Not to mention that you don't work just live off your large alimony checks."

"A girl has to do what a girl has to do," Joyce smiled.

The Grim Reaper went to work on his clipboards, writing and erasing things on it. Joyce fidgeted and sweat glistened on her skin while she watched him at work, wondering what he would decide. After about ten minutes, he cleared his throat with an ahem sound.

"After considerable deliberation, I decided that even though you have committed all seven deadly sins, I am not going to take you just yet. I'm going to give you the chance to redeem yourself. Do you understand?"

Joyce couldn't speak and just nodded her head. The Grim Reaper just dissipated in thin air. Joyce's eyes bugged out and then she fainted. Hours later she came to and assumed she just woke up. She thought she remembered a crazy dream about the Grim Reaper visiting her until she saw the bullet hole marring her pink wall across from her bed. She ran into the bathroom to get a pill and when she looked at the mirror to check herself out after filling a Dixie cup with water she got the surprise of her life. Looking back at her was a bald head. All of her glorious red curls that Joyce paid so much money for at the most exclusive beauty salon in Trenton were gone. She heard or imagined a voice saying, "Payback is a bitch. Get your act together or next time I'll take away more than just your hair."

Joyce screamed and ran out of the house where when the police found her she was babbling incoherently. She never got better and had to be institutionalized for the rest of her life.

The moral of our tale is that – "We are punished by our sins, not for them."(Elbert Hubbard) What this means is that we punish ourselves by committing these sins.


End file.
